Alien

The defining movie of the sci-fi genre, the simple title and similarly simple plot of Alien make it one of the most intelligent pieces of film-making since Hitchcock decided directing might be a path he should pursue. Ridley Scott demonstrates how easy it can be to construct a classic; especially if you have a generous effects budget to hand. So the decisive explosion might look like the beginning credits to a bad techno-talk programme on the BBC, but what do you expect from a film produced at the end of the decade of free love. Watch those incendiary colours whilst high and you’ll discover a message from Scott himself, warning you of the alien lurking below the milky water-line of your bowl of frosted flakes. Coincidentally it seems that future robots will be run by milk, which spews out of them like a dairy fountain.  

Sigourney Weaver plays the heroic female, Ripley. Ripley has more hair than an 80s porno, which stays immaculately positioned throughout her entire spacey charade. Her adversaries: running out of hairspray and also a little alien fella. This tiny chap finds the right combination to open John Hurt’s stomach (1-2-3-propel out of it violently) and disappears off into the under-belly of the ship. Ian Holm describes the creature as ‘the perfect organism’, which probably means we should keep an eye on Kelly Brooks and Lucy Pinder, in case of any inhuman activity. 

The miniature alien doesn’t take his extra-terrestrial time in becoming a colossal alien – a rapid change in size that mirrors Charlie Sheen’s massive change in ego, post-stardom. Both Charlie and the alien possess blood that is inhumanly resistant, and I believe Sheen’s half-coke, half-tiger solution could probably burn through metal too. 

Speaking of tigers, the real star of the flick is a cat called Jones. Jones isn’t phased once by the alien. He keeps calm and carries on. Then Ripley shoves him in a box and his role becomes limited. Perhaps if Ripley hadn’t been so keen to remain the heroin animal-saver, the crisis could have been resolved much quicker, via a face-off between Jones and the beast. He’d have nine attempts at it. 

However the final showdown is planted firmly on the shoulders of Weaver, due to the fact everyone else is a little bit dead. She first begins by exposing as much skin as possible, stripping down to her underwear, because aliens, like a lot of men, have no idea how to deal with a smoking hot babe. The plan fails though when it’s revealed the alien is a seasoned lady-killer (literally) and Ripley opts for a spacesuit instead. This is more practical considering the environment she finds herself in. 

Jaws in space. Alien is supremely successful because of a narrative that never falters in momentum. Unlike Jack and Jill, it makes it up the hill without any flaw, reaches the pale-of-water climax, and then hurtles you back down to a dramatic and satisfying conclusion. And who doesn’t love a bit of Weaver-on-Alien action? No-one, that’s why they brought out a sequel. 

IMDb 250 position: 40

Possible Position in my 250: Jones + semi-naked Weaver + alien = 35